Finding the Good

My breast cancer diagnoses and fight has never been something that I felt I needed to act a certain way or to prove a point.  I'm just fighting the best way I know how.  I didn't start this blog to become an inspiration or words of hope.  I simply created it for selfish reasons, I didn't want to answer the same questions over and over again and I didn't want to leave anyone out who wanted information.  So here it is.  My blog.  The outpouring of what I'm going through to bring awareness to the under age 30 who are diagnosed.  To let all of you know that I'm ok and I'm going to fight and how I'm doing it all. 

I guess I have never thought that I'm doing this any differently than any other 28-29 year old, "newly" married, "newly" a mother would do it. I've learned through my life experiences that it's easier to find the good in a bad situation than it is to constantly think of the bad.  For example, no one can bring my brother back to earth.  But I can find happiness knowing that he lived his life the fullest every single day, he brought happiness to others, and he died doing something he loved.  Out of his death, I think, we have become closer as a family, I have grown in my marriage with Sam, and I have grown in my relationship to God. I would give anything to bring Jason back to this earth, but that can't happen.  So I choose to focus on what is possible and what is happening in my life. 

Bring in Northwood Church, again.  I love our church.  The pastor and many of the attendees know us by name.  They have watched my belly grow, Camden grow, and my hair fall out over the 2 years we have been attending.  I love them so much.  The outpouring love and support they have showed us this last 6 months has been ..... well .... I don't even have a word for it other than incredible. 

Pastor Brian asked me to speak to highlight his message on finding the good in the bad.  I guess I've lived this example and I guess I could enlighten others.  I knew I would cry throughout the whole speech, because this is raw, this is real, but I wanted to let my fellow Northwooders know that it's ok and there still is good in the horrible. 

Here is what I said:
(Brian asked a series of questions, in a question and answer style)

1)    Tell us the journey you've been on the last couple months.

After the first of the year I was accepted into nursing school off of the waiting list.  Our lives were moving quickly trying to get things ready to go.  On January 21, after finding a lump in my right breast I went in for an ultra sound.  The radiologist immediately wanted to do a biopsy, so I agreed.  The next day, January 22, I was told by my midwife that I indeed had breast cancer. 

After a whirlwind of appointments and further testing, we also learned that I carry the BRCA gene.  My best chance at not only survival, but no recurrence would be a double mastectomy.  In February, I waved good bye to my family and my breasts and had the operation that will hopefully save my life. 

The pathology of the surgery showed I had 5 of 13 lymph nodes also positive for cancer.  On paper, they labeled me a Stage IIIa breast cancer.  We were stunned, saddened, but ready to fight.  The staging and my age got me a one trip ticket to a full service cancer fight; surgery (which I had completed), chemotherapy, and radiation therapy. 

Before beginning chemo the oncologist ordered base line scans to see where else, if any where this cancer was living in my body.  Luckily, the scans came back clear and because of my surgery I am considered cancer free. 

I’ve finished my first round of chemo which was very difficult physically and emotionally and spiritually.  I’m on to round two of 12 weekly cycles with 8 cycles left.  Things are going really well. 

2)    What is God teaching you in all this?

I struggled with this question.  My answer is almost, what isn’t God teaching me?  Sam, who is integral in my fight, has reminded me constantly to look towards the good.  Especially at night when I can do nothing more than cry. 

 

Brian, you always break things down in lists of 3, so I will too. 

 

1.    During the Boston bombings there was a Mark Twain quote that surfaced about when tragedy happens, there are always good people.  Look for the good people.  I find these people on my door step baring casseroles and more home cooked meals and even cleaners and people to play with Camden so I can rest.  There are good people out there, God is reminding me, that WANT to help.

2.    God has reminded me of my wedding vows and the truth behind them.  In sickness and in health.  God is teaching both Sam and I that marriage isn’t about health and success, it’s also about sickness and the low times.  In 3 short years of marriage, no couple should have to endure what we have endured.  But we are a testimate that if you look toward God and ask him to lead you, you will grow together and you will conquer the challenges.  

3.    I don’t believe God gave me cancer.  I don’t think this is a punishment—although it has  crossed my mind—but I quickly remember that God will carry me through this.  God can use me as a vessel.  I grew up in Montana, so an attitude of pulling up the boot straps and getting to work reigns true.  I know that at the end of the day when all I can do is cry and feel pity that God is picking me up and carrying me through this.  He is there to show me there is more to chemo and my new physical appearance.  He is showing me that I’m a vessel to spread good news and his word. 

 3)    Have you experienced any "good" in this? Tell us about that.

Have I ever.  There have been many good things just from people in the room.  The generous people who have brought our family meals, cleaned our home, watched Camden, and even donated funds.  It has reminded me that people are good and God is great.  I have found my voice in how to spread the good work that God is doing.  I think by showing what positive attitude and my full trust in the Lord, many who hear my story may start to look to God as well. 

Also, I think it’s amazing that I have the chance to bring awareness to the under 30 segment of diagnosed breast cancers.  We have the worst survival rates (that was a note to self not to Google anything).  We have the worst chance of metastases.  Typically the cancer is hormone fueled and because of our age and wanting to be mothers we have a lot of hormones.  If I can remind one woman to do their self breast exam regularly I feel like have succeeded.

I found I can be support for other young woman.  As I approached a noticeably scared young woman in the chemo room, we found we had a lot in common.  With the promise of prayer as we parted, this week she left me a note saying she had been praying as well and was hoping I would have been there today because she knew with me by her side it would be better.  A smile and warm eyes go along way I learned.     

I will continue to smile through this and find the positive.  As I read one girl’s shirt in this room a couple weeks ago—Why me?  Why NOT?   

 

Of course, in no surprise, there was an outpour of support from our church.  I think it's easy to sit and cry and feel sorry for myself.  But the challenge that I think faces me head on every single day is, why not me?  No one else deserves this either, so why not me?  I can use this to show others that this is a disease that can be beaten, a fight that can be one, and that there is always a little bit of good in the bad.