Time in Prayer

Friday is my chemo day, my day of cancer.  A lot of times I spend my 40 mile drive to the oncology clinic in prayer with God.  In the car is really the only alone time I ever get, so I figure it's as good as any to spend time with God.  Today I felt really compared to not only thank God for the blessings he has given me, but to pray for those who live this cancer nightmare every day. 

Today I prayed first for my dear friend Lisa and her mother.  Lisa's mom was diagnosed not long after me with Stage IV pancreatic cancer.  She unfortunately lost her battle last month.  I know that I have never met Momma C, but if she's anything like Lisa I know that she fought hard and didn't give up.  She is with our Lord and resting peacefully now.  I know she is looking down upon Lisa and her siblings and Lisa's daughter Ev.

I prayed for Allison.  Allison is the niece of an old friend from my hometown.  She was recently diagnosed at age 9 (I think :) ) with Stage IV kidney cancer, specifically a Wilms tumor.  She just started chemo and shaved her head in the last month.  I can't imagine doing this at age 9.  I prayed for Allison's strength and determination.  I prayed that she will still get to be a child through all of this and I mostly prayed that chemo will beat this tumor and soon she will be cancer free. 

I prayed for Sally.  I got to see Sally at chemo today.  I'm a few treatments ahead of her and she just started her Taxol.  I prayed that with Taxol she will have as easy of a time as I did.  I praised the Lord for Sally's faith and all who are praying for her, bringing her meals, cleaning her home and helping with her boys. I love Sally with all my heart and I'm so thankful God put us in each other's paths.

I prayed for all of those going through treatment, those who are diagnosed today, and those who are getting good news or bad news today.  Typically prayer brings me to tears.  I am so thankful the Lord is using me to do good.  Yes, cancer sucks, but it's because of all of you--these people ready my blog or being there when I cry--that I will beat this.  That I will show the world that I can't be brought down. 

I will never call cancer a blessing, but man God is showing me amazing things.  Moving me through His works and His word.  I am just a simple vessel showing the world that God does exist and He is amazing. 

Finding the Good

My breast cancer diagnoses and fight has never been something that I felt I needed to act a certain way or to prove a point.  I'm just fighting the best way I know how.  I didn't start this blog to become an inspiration or words of hope.  I simply created it for selfish reasons, I didn't want to answer the same questions over and over again and I didn't want to leave anyone out who wanted information.  So here it is.  My blog.  The outpouring of what I'm going through to bring awareness to the under age 30 who are diagnosed.  To let all of you know that I'm ok and I'm going to fight and how I'm doing it all. 

I guess I have never thought that I'm doing this any differently than any other 28-29 year old, "newly" married, "newly" a mother would do it. I've learned through my life experiences that it's easier to find the good in a bad situation than it is to constantly think of the bad.  For example, no one can bring my brother back to earth.  But I can find happiness knowing that he lived his life the fullest every single day, he brought happiness to others, and he died doing something he loved.  Out of his death, I think, we have become closer as a family, I have grown in my marriage with Sam, and I have grown in my relationship to God. I would give anything to bring Jason back to this earth, but that can't happen.  So I choose to focus on what is possible and what is happening in my life. 

Bring in Northwood Church, again.  I love our church.  The pastor and many of the attendees know us by name.  They have watched my belly grow, Camden grow, and my hair fall out over the 2 years we have been attending.  I love them so much.  The outpouring love and support they have showed us this last 6 months has been ..... well .... I don't even have a word for it other than incredible. 

Pastor Brian asked me to speak to highlight his message on finding the good in the bad.  I guess I've lived this example and I guess I could enlighten others.  I knew I would cry throughout the whole speech, because this is raw, this is real, but I wanted to let my fellow Northwooders know that it's ok and there still is good in the horrible. 

Here is what I said:
(Brian asked a series of questions, in a question and answer style)

1)    Tell us the journey you've been on the last couple months.

After the first of the year I was accepted into nursing school off of the waiting list.  Our lives were moving quickly trying to get things ready to go.  On January 21, after finding a lump in my right breast I went in for an ultra sound.  The radiologist immediately wanted to do a biopsy, so I agreed.  The next day, January 22, I was told by my midwife that I indeed had breast cancer. 

After a whirlwind of appointments and further testing, we also learned that I carry the BRCA gene.  My best chance at not only survival, but no recurrence would be a double mastectomy.  In February, I waved good bye to my family and my breasts and had the operation that will hopefully save my life. 

The pathology of the surgery showed I had 5 of 13 lymph nodes also positive for cancer.  On paper, they labeled me a Stage IIIa breast cancer.  We were stunned, saddened, but ready to fight.  The staging and my age got me a one trip ticket to a full service cancer fight; surgery (which I had completed), chemotherapy, and radiation therapy. 

Before beginning chemo the oncologist ordered base line scans to see where else, if any where this cancer was living in my body.  Luckily, the scans came back clear and because of my surgery I am considered cancer free. 

I’ve finished my first round of chemo which was very difficult physically and emotionally and spiritually.  I’m on to round two of 12 weekly cycles with 8 cycles left.  Things are going really well. 

2)    What is God teaching you in all this?

I struggled with this question.  My answer is almost, what isn’t God teaching me?  Sam, who is integral in my fight, has reminded me constantly to look towards the good.  Especially at night when I can do nothing more than cry. 

 

Brian, you always break things down in lists of 3, so I will too. 

 

1.    During the Boston bombings there was a Mark Twain quote that surfaced about when tragedy happens, there are always good people.  Look for the good people.  I find these people on my door step baring casseroles and more home cooked meals and even cleaners and people to play with Camden so I can rest.  There are good people out there, God is reminding me, that WANT to help.

2.    God has reminded me of my wedding vows and the truth behind them.  In sickness and in health.  God is teaching both Sam and I that marriage isn’t about health and success, it’s also about sickness and the low times.  In 3 short years of marriage, no couple should have to endure what we have endured.  But we are a testimate that if you look toward God and ask him to lead you, you will grow together and you will conquer the challenges.  

3.    I don’t believe God gave me cancer.  I don’t think this is a punishment—although it has  crossed my mind—but I quickly remember that God will carry me through this.  God can use me as a vessel.  I grew up in Montana, so an attitude of pulling up the boot straps and getting to work reigns true.  I know that at the end of the day when all I can do is cry and feel pity that God is picking me up and carrying me through this.  He is there to show me there is more to chemo and my new physical appearance.  He is showing me that I’m a vessel to spread good news and his word. 

 3)    Have you experienced any "good" in this? Tell us about that.

Have I ever.  There have been many good things just from people in the room.  The generous people who have brought our family meals, cleaned our home, watched Camden, and even donated funds.  It has reminded me that people are good and God is great.  I have found my voice in how to spread the good work that God is doing.  I think by showing what positive attitude and my full trust in the Lord, many who hear my story may start to look to God as well. 

Also, I think it’s amazing that I have the chance to bring awareness to the under 30 segment of diagnosed breast cancers.  We have the worst survival rates (that was a note to self not to Google anything).  We have the worst chance of metastases.  Typically the cancer is hormone fueled and because of our age and wanting to be mothers we have a lot of hormones.  If I can remind one woman to do their self breast exam regularly I feel like have succeeded.

I found I can be support for other young woman.  As I approached a noticeably scared young woman in the chemo room, we found we had a lot in common.  With the promise of prayer as we parted, this week she left me a note saying she had been praying as well and was hoping I would have been there today because she knew with me by her side it would be better.  A smile and warm eyes go along way I learned.     

I will continue to smile through this and find the positive.  As I read one girl’s shirt in this room a couple weeks ago—Why me?  Why NOT?   

 

Of course, in no surprise, there was an outpour of support from our church.  I think it's easy to sit and cry and feel sorry for myself.  But the challenge that I think faces me head on every single day is, why not me?  No one else deserves this either, so why not me?  I can use this to show others that this is a disease that can be beaten, a fight that can be one, and that there is always a little bit of good in the bad. 

 

 

 

 

Sunday Worship

I know, I know I really behind on blog posts, but I promise I'm almost caught up.  Last Sunday we made our weekly trip to Northwood Church.  It's our time to sit together and worship in song, prayer, and thought.  We have a great pastor who is so eloquent with his words.  He is currently doing a series on "Crosswords"--words that the cross represents.  This last week was "Suffering".  Another way that God is saying "Hey, Nicole, I'm here.  I'm alive, and I'm listening.  I knew this would be an impactful message for me right from the start of the worship songs. 

The worship team is lead by Travis (shout out to Travis, he introduced us to the church) and a group of incredibly talented musicians, including his wife, Sarah, who has been recently playing the cello.  This was a new song they were introducing to the congregation called "Wake Up". 

We have seen the pain
that shaped our hearts
And in our shame
We're still breathing, 'cause

We have seen the hope
of your healing
Rising from our souls
is the feeling
We are drawing close
Your light is shining through
Your light is shining through

Wake up, wake up, wake up
wake up all you sleepers
Stand up, stand up
Stand up all you dreamers
Hands up, hands up
Hands up all believers
Take up your cross, carry it on

all that you reveal
with light in us
will come to life
and start breathing, 'cause

here we stand our hearts are yours,

Lord not our will but yours be done

 

The last line that I bolded was so impactful.  The haunting tune and lyrics culminating with a reminder that WE are not in control.  This is one of my favorite lines of the Lord's Prayer, as well.  I know the Lord will talk me through this and at times he may even need to carry me through this.  I can see the Lord working in so many aspects my life right now.  Like I've said before, I believe in the power of prayer and if you can bring us into your prayer it would be appreciated.  

 

As the sermon went on Pastor Brian found some very inspirational verses for the congregation to hear.  There was a verse I wrote down and one quote (Brian, you know this quote :) ).  

 

These trials will show that you faith is genuine.  

It is being tested as first tests and purifies gold--

through your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  

So when your faith remains strong through many trials,

it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day

when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.  

1 Peter 1:7

 

When you are going through hell, just keep moving. 

Winston Churchill

 

(image: Google images)

 

Both are so telling of the suffering I am going through.  This the path that has been set before me and I must keep moving.  Or in the words of Dori from Disney's Finding Nemo--Just keep swimming!

 

 

(image: Google images)

 

We left church that day to shake Brian's hand as usual.  He made a point he was happy to see us and that he was preaching for me today.  Trust me Pastor, your words were heard.  I know that God used you to speak to me on that Sunday morning. 

God ALWAYS Provides

I believe in the power of prayer and a positive attitude.  For those who have seen me over the last 6 weeks I think you can attest to this.  Trust me, I have yelled and screamed and cried . . . . and cried some more; but I try every single day to wake up, say a prayer to the Lord and give myself a pep talk about staying positive.  My prayer is typically something simple like "dear Lord, You are awesome in Your power.  Please help me today to see the bright side, have a smile, and a good attitude.  Please give me strength and comfort and security.  In your name I pray, Amen." 

Nothing special.  But I do believe God hears me.  I believe God has his arms wrapped around me.  But, I also believe that God has sent an army of people to remind me of these things daily.  I believe if you pray and ask that the Lord will provide, He will.  Remember when your mom would tell you, if you don't ask you will never know the answer.  I think that's how God works, too. 

We have been flooded with generosity and love and more generosity.  Sam and I often sit in pure awe of what YOU have given us.  From flowers, to phone calls, to cards and then to the meals (oh, the homemade bread, YUM), to the offer of cleaning and daycare, and then to the financial support.  Wow.  Just plain, WOW. 

We have so many earthly angels, it's frankly just incredible.  A woman from the church, Katie, and the interim children's pastor at the church, Debbie, have gotten together to force help us decide what help we will need.  It's so hard accepting this help.  Sam and I both know we will need help, but normally we are on the other end.  Sending money when we can, or a meal, or just offering a hand.  It's so hard to sit on the receiving end and understand that people want to do the same for you.  In walks my angels Katie and Debbie.  Oh Katie, I just want to jump you and give you the biggest hug (ok, that seriously might scare her away since we have only met a couple times).  Her energy is just infectious and her love for the Lord is inspiring.  Then there is my angel Debbie, she is organized to the T and is ready to delegate where needed.  And she shares a birthday with Camden. 

Both women have sat in prayer with us and held us when we cried.  Katie and Debbie have set up a care calendar to delegate meals,  cleaning, and Camden care.  It's pretty incredible.  If anyone is interested in the link, please text me.  I can't believe I'm going to let down my guard and let someone clean my house and help with laundry, but I know I'm not super women.  As much as I like people to believe I can do it all, I need rest and chemo is going to knock me down. 

Katie is apart of a few local groups including MOPS and Team Jill.  The ladies from MOPS are signing up and going to help and we haven't even met these ladies! Team Jill is an established Susan G. Komen 3-day team.  They are even going to include me on their t-shirts this year as someone whom they are walking in honor of.  It truly is an honor.  Katie knows how to network and get people up and helping. 

My angels Melissa and Jill.  My best friends.  My confidants.  My wine drinking friends.  True story, they both came over to help me organize baby clothes in bins.  They got to my front door at the same time each holding a bottle of red wine.  These girls know the way to my heart.  Melissa has set up Team Nicole to walk/run the Race for the Cure on Mother's Day.  It's going to be so much fun!!  Jill, well Jill is just an angel.  She is a snowblown path through the yard away.  She has cried with me, cussed with me, laughed with me and most importantly drank wine with me.  You girls lead my army, I love you.

Then there is my angel Jess.  She is my breast cancer and breast surgery guru.  Also she just had her baby yesterday!  Happy birthday Abram Mason!!  She also likes to keep secrets.  She, behind my back, organized an online fund raiser.  Like I mentioned before we met online through a newlywed website.  These girls, my nestie besties, are some truly amazing woman.  Most I have never met face to face, but I consider them to be friends.  These girls come together and get things done that need to be done from a distance.  Between Sam and Jess they put together a fundraiser. 

Holy crap people.  You are amazing.  God again has answered our prayers.  Just to give you an idea--one subcutaneous injection I will receive after each chemo dose is $6,000-10,000.  Yes, we have insurance, but medical bills are going to come and I'm not working right now.  I can't begin to express what your hard earned donations mean to me and my little family.  I literally am writing in tears because I just can't explain what each dollar means to us.  We are so blessed.  From people I grew up with to people my parents grew up with to family.  Each of you, thank you. 

If you have ever doubted the power of prayer, don't.  Stop and pray.  Truly open your heart to the Lord and He will provide. 

Sitting In A Chair

That's what I have been doing for a week.  There really isn't too much exciting to report.  I spend most days cruising through Netflix, checking Facebook, and napping.  I have a 5 pound lifting restriction so really anything that would make me not so useless is out.  I can't lift Camden, I can't pour from the milk jug, I can't lift the diaper bag, I can't lift a pot to cook. 

We have an AMAZING church family.  We attend a little church on the grow in Maple Grove.  We have been attending since I found out I was pregnant with Camden.  Northwood Church has been truly a God send for us.  After we had Camden our neighbor, who also attended the church, set up meals within the meals ministry.  When our children's pastor found out about my diagnoses she set us up with the meals again.  Home cooked, freezer ready or heating ready, extremely tasty meals delivered to our door every other day.  I can't even begin to tell you how much help this has been. 

The first meal was at our house when I got home from the hospital.  Delivered by the ever colorful Muriel.  For those reading who know Muriel will know exactly what I'm talking about.  I learned recently Muriel is the eldest of 8 children and boy does she love the kitchen!!!  It is truly her gift to supply some excellent meals to . . .  well everyone.  I don't know what it is about these Northwooders, but they must love their baked goods as well.  We have so many sweets! My mom and Sam are in heaven. 

I'm getting behind on thank you notes for everyone.  From the many bouquets of flowers we have received, to the amazing care package of European chocolate from friends in Germany, to the magazines, and blankets.  I will get around to it, but thank you.  Thank you for all that are praying, all that are helping, all that are calling and texting, and even to all of you reading.  We will win this fight together.  When I am named a survivor I want you all to rejoice with me, because you have helped me fight this battle day by day.

(image: Google images)