That's what I have been doing for a week. There really isn't too much exciting to report. I spend most days cruising through Netflix, checking Facebook, and napping. I have a 5 pound lifting restriction so really anything that would make me not so useless is out. I can't lift Camden, I can't pour from the milk jug, I can't lift the diaper bag, I can't lift a pot to cook.
We have an AMAZING church family. We attend a little church on the grow in Maple Grove. We have been attending since I found out I was pregnant with Camden. Northwood Church has been truly a God send for us. After we had Camden our neighbor, who also attended the church, set up meals within the meals ministry. When our children's pastor found out about my diagnoses she set us up with the meals again. Home cooked, freezer ready or heating ready, extremely tasty meals delivered to our door every other day. I can't even begin to tell you how much help this has been.
The first meal was at our house when I got home from the hospital. Delivered by the ever colorful Muriel. For those reading who know Muriel will know exactly what I'm talking about. I learned recently Muriel is the eldest of 8 children and boy does she love the kitchen!!! It is truly her gift to supply some excellent meals to . . . well everyone. I don't know what it is about these Northwooders, but they must love their baked goods as well. We have so many sweets! My mom and Sam are in heaven.
I'm getting behind on thank you notes for everyone. From the many bouquets of flowers we have received, to the amazing care package of European chocolate from friends in Germany, to the magazines, and blankets. I will get around to it, but thank you. Thank you for all that are praying, all that are helping, all that are calling and texting, and even to all of you reading. We will win this fight together. When I am named a survivor I want you all to rejoice with me, because you have helped me fight this battle day by day.
(image: Google images)
I finally got to leave the hospital on Monday, just after noon. It was so nice to breathe in fresh air and feel the cold. It was lunch time and my mom and Sam were hungry. My dad left that morning to beat a snow storm and Kristen had stayed home. On the way home Sam tried to avoid the pot holes because bouncing in the backseat hurt. We stopped at Noodles and Company for lunch. I had my usual; Wisconsin mac n cheese with a Parmesan crusted chicken breast. I had my first taste of how hard these restrictions would be in the real world. I could barely get into the booth by myself and I couldn't cut my chicken by myself.
I'm sure I was a sight to see. I cut my hair fairly short just before the new year so it was hard to pull back any way, but before we left the hospital I asked my mom to pull it back for me. She combed it back and I thought she had adhered it with a binder . . . nope. She then asked Sam for my hair binder and my hair stayed in place. I guess that's what 3 1/2 days of no washing will do to hair that is normally washed every day. I was in Sam's sweats and an old college dance team zip up hoodie. The lady at the table next to us kept staring. I know it wasn't meant to be hurtful, but I wanted to scream "yes, I have cancer and I just go out of the hospital from cutting off my breasts." I'm sure it would have made her stop, but I thought keeping my filter was better.
After lunch we learned my dad was stuck in Fargo for the night because I-94 was closed. He was more concerned where the Fleet Farm was so he could do some shopping. We got home, and the firsth thing I did was have my sister wash my hair in the kitchen sink. Then I found a chair and was ready for some pain medicine.
I was told from the beginning I would be staying 2 or 3 nights for pain control. This scared me. We have calcaneus fractures or complex tibia fractures that only stay 1 night for pain control--so what kind of pain would I be in?
The first night was hell awful. I had the same nurse every night, Sarah. With amazing compassion and bed side manner she greeted me about every 30 minutes when I hit the call button. Not so easy to do when you are given t-rex's arm range of motion. My pain was out of control and I was so nauseated. I felt fine after surgery and when I was on my way to my room, but once my clan left, it got out of control. I was so lethargic from anesthesia and my pain was rating 9 out of 10. Sarah couldn't get things figured out for me. I tried my best to stay calm, but I was writhing in bed in pain. Between IV dilaudid, zofran, and lot of fluids the night felt like it was never ending.
I finally got a little bit of rest, but of course was awoken by a CNA to check my vitals and empty my drains. After surgery I was bound up tight in an ace bandage with a drain tube coming out of each side. These drains will stay with me for nearly 2 weeks total. I did have the tissue expanders placed by Dr. K so my chest felt like I had just worked out my pecs for about a weeks straight.
My day nurse Cheryl came in. Cheryl had a purpose. She was going to get me out of bed, to the bathroom and out for a walk regardless of how crappy I felt. There was no laying around on Cheryl's watch. She told me I needed to talk 4 times. She made a checklist. Oh and I love to check things off check lists so I was bound to meet my goal. I tried to order lunch, yep that didn't go down at all. I was still so nauseated.
While on a walk one time, my mom asked, "Do you remember Kristen?" My drugged up response, "of course I remember Kristen, she's my sister you fool." Reflecting back I think she meant do I remember her coming last night. Whoops, sorry.
Night time fell again and I was still aiming to head home on Sunday. The night went horribly a little better. Sarah was still in my room probably every 2 hours for pain and nausea. She kept up with my muscle relaxer, the IV zofran and dilaudid. I was still in quite a bit of pain. The morning came a lot sooner this time. My family hadn't arrived yet, but a partner of Dr. DJ came by to see me. Because I really hadn't eaten anything since the night before surgery, I wasn't going home. Cheryl came in to strip my drain tubes and help me out of bed for our walk. I began to sob.
I felt like crap, I felt like I was beaten with a baseball bat, I couldn't put my own hair up, I could barely wipe when I used the bathroom, and I have impending chemo with a toddler at home. I was feeling sorry for myself. Cheryl sat down next to me and insured me I will do great. She listed of statistics, she told personal anecdotes, and told me I had to pull up my boot straps and fight. Ok Cheryl, I'll do just that. Help me pee and let's walk.
Dr. K was back at my room when we finished out walk. I told him I can't feel this way anymore. We talked about my meds and switched off the narcotics to ibuprofen. I took a quick nap and before you know it I felt great. I actually had something to eat that afternoon. McDonald's french fries. YUMM . . . . don't judge.
I didn't have to call Sarah in at all that night. She just came in to stay on top of my meds and take vitals. Sleep is still not comfortable, but at least I wasn't awake from pain. The next morning I was bound and determined to get out of there. My discharge orders were in, I just needed the final ok from Dr. DJ and I was gone.
The pain really isn't bad. It's just a t-rex arm rang of motion and the constant ache in my chest that is hard to deal with. Randy the nurse pulled my IV, Dr. DJ came in to visit, and my meds were delivered. I was set FREE!
We drove to the hospital as a group. My bag of what I thought I would need was packed. Some sweats, a couple zip up hoodies, make up, clean under wear and socks, and my phone charger. You know if you google labor and delivery bag you can find umpteen lists and tips. For fun, I googled mastectomy hospital bag. Yep, nothing of help. I guess I would wing this one on my own. For those interested. I didn't use any of it while I was at the hospital, just an outfit upon discharge and my phone charger.
We got to the hospital about a 1/2 hour early. We were greeted by some friendly volunteers, "Welcome to Abbott Northwestern, do you know where you are needing to be?" Umm, no, I mean yes. Radiology registration is where Christa the surgery scheduler told me to go. We found our way there, guided most of the way by the greeter. Next to the spa like Piper building, just down the hall. We found a quiet waiting room and all nervously played on our phones. At about 10:00, check in time 10:15, I decided to head down to radiology registration and get checked in.
I decided to go it alone for this part. No use towing a party of 3 behind me. Greeted by a young man in vest he found my charts, I signed some papers and was guided down the hall to another waiting room. I had to get a radioactive shot in my right breast. This was going to help guide Dr. DJ to the lymph nodes she would take during surgery. I prayed that she would stop at the sentinel node.
I waited in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. Texting Jess, the breast cancer angel, that I was still waiting and getting nervous. Sam and my parents were still down the hall. I was ushered back by a kind nurse to again undress from the waist up and get into a gown. A quick shot of lidocaine, and then some radioactive material and I was on my way with my plastic bag of belongings.
We picked up my crew and went down stairs to the preoperative care center together. Checking in again and then to wait some more. I was starving and thirsty. It wasn't long until they called me back. I had to go back by myself to get prepped. Undress fully, put on a paper gown, pee in a cup, get hooked up to an awesome heating thing. There was this box of lights on the wall, when each person came in they would turn off their light. I had a CRNA student try to place my IV, yea, that didn't work. But he tried. Another nurse came in and got an IV started right away to get my fluids started.
The doctors came in and marked me up. I think I stated my name and date of birth and procedure about 50 times. Sam and my parents came back after my IV was placed. We took a few pictures, Sam got one last peep show, and the CRNA's came in to discuss what was going to happen when I got to the OR. The CRNA put some medicine in my IV and off we went. I think I was out before we hit the OR.
Once Dr. DJ was done with her part, she went out and talked with my family. She let them know she took the sentinel node and sent it to pathology. It came back having cancer so she took all 12 nodes under my right arm. Dr. Kobienia was in doing his part. This was not what we wanted to hear. I will for sure need chemo and depending on what the final pathology says, possibly radiation.
I finally was brought up to my room around 9:00pm. Apparently there was an emergency on the floor and the nurses couldn't take me yet. When I was being wheeled down the hall I heard my baby boy saying "momma." He had finally said this just a few days before. Sam leaned him in for a kiss. Best thing ever. Once in my room, this girl appeared. It was my sister--umm, what? I was so confused. What was she doing here? She is in dental hygiene school, she can't miss class!! It was a surprise that apparently everyone knew about except me. 2nd best thing of the day.
I don't remember who finally told me the cancer was in my nodes. I cried. It's never good when the cancer gets in the nodes. I didn't want to do chemo, I didn't want to lose my hair, I didn't want to be sick. Real cancer patients have chemo. I wanted the surgery to fix everything.
