Chemo #1

I hadn't been sleeping well the last couple nights in anticipation of what to come.  I had been telling Sam from the beginning that I was fine with the cancer stuff, I was fine with the surgery and I was fine with the reconstruction; but chemo would be the one thing that would break me.  The thought of poison running through my body is just really weird.  I know I want to work in medicine, but sometimes I don't agree with the medicine going into me.  I understand the science and the theories, but it's just different when it's you. 

I woke up before the alarm and my mind was spinning.  There was just so much unknown about how I was going to feel during and after the treatment.  By the time Sam's alarm went off I was in tears.  I was so scared of everything.  I didn't want to do chemo, I was done with this cancer stuff.  Sam held me and assured me we were in this together.  I had got him a card on the day of my surgery which I feel sums things up for us pretty well. 

 

I love you. 

Nothing will ever get in the way of that. 

Because together we have a the strength

to look the world in the eye and say--

"Give us your best shot.  We can take it."

And you know what? The world will see

that what we have, "different" though it may be,

is far too beautiful, far too big to ever weaken. 

You are half of my heart, and I am half of yours. 

There's no one and nothing that can separate us. 

We have an awesome future ahead of us. 

One that I know we'll face together,

hand in hand and heart-to-heart . . .

because I love you and you love me back

--J. Gahr

 

We got ourselves showered and ready to go.  Because it was raining we didn't know what traffic would be like to downtown.  Camden may have been a little confused because we were leaving nearly an hour earlier than normal.  I had packed a bag with my breast cancer planner, a book, the iPad, and my wallet.  Again, there isn't anything online that you can find that will give you a list of what your chemo bag should entail.  I mean people bring suitcases in there, so I wasn't sure what I would need. 

 

We dropped Camden off and he started his day out with french toast.  I couldn't get enough kisses before I went.  He has great kissing lips.  But we quickly got back on the road because of the borderline freezing rain. 

 

Once at the clinic, I checked in and waited for my labs to be drawn.  I had the same phlebotomist as last time.  A nice Nigerian woman with a sweet British accent named Liz.  I told her I was going to grow to hate her.  Just joking of course.  She had to get I think about 10 tubes of blood from just my hand.  Because they were doing treatment into my arm she had to go low to not get in way of where my IV would be placed.  She got 20ml the first stick.  Then tried two more times to get more as there were four more tubes needing blood.  After the third total stick and no more blood, she stopped because she didn't want to dig too much.  There is quite a bruise, but not too bad considering.  And she was gentle about it. 

 

Because I was the first appointment of the day, I was taken right back to the exam room to see Dr. T.  She always asked if I have been hospitalized, any new pain, new concerns, and then gives me a quick physical exam focusing on my heart and lungs as well as my lymph nodes in my arm pit and neck.  Then she puts in the final orders for the chemo and out the waiting room I go to wait for my nurse. 

 

We over heard the oddest conversation from a man about his toe nails and finger nails falling out.  It was so weird, but all I could think of was if my finger nails and toe nails will fall out, too.  Not soon after, my lovely pregnant nurse Caitlyn came to get me to start treatment.  

 

I was the first one back into the infusion room so I got to choose where I wanted to sit.  We chose a seat by the window and the TV.  Caitlyn went through what the timeline would be for the day and what medicines I would be receiving.  I signed my consent and she got my IV set up.  With a nice armed blanket, my feet up, and my iPhone I was set.  

 

 

My shirt, courtesy of my breast cancer angel Jess, was quite the hit.  It says "STPD CNCR".  I felt there wasn't anything more fitting in my wardrobe.  I received 3 antinausea medicines, then the adriamycin, then the cytoxan.  Just like promised we were all finished up with everything since I walked through the door in about 3 hours.  During my cytoxan I also go a massage.  Apparently, a local massage school comes in and gives free massages to the chemo patients.  It was great.  She rubbed my neck and back and shoulders.  It was all I wanted and more. 

 

Just before I was to go, Caitlyn has one more medicine to torture me with.  It's the medicine to suppress my ovaries and hopefully protect my eggs a little more.  She was going to inject a pellet into my belly.  Yes, you read that right, it was a pellet.  The needle was the biggest thing I have ever seen.  The injection itself wasn't that bad, but my belly sure hurt afterward.  Luckily it's a three month dosage so I will only have to get 2-3 more of these.  It reminded me of the boob harpoon they used for the core biopsy. 

 

We left the clinic and walked down to the Midtown Global Market and had the best Mexican food ever.  I'm still trying to decide if that was a good idea or not, but it sure tasted good going down. 

 

We made a quick stop at the pharmacy for anitnausea medication and then went home.  By the time we got there I was wanting a nap and wasn't feeling the best.  I took about a two hour nap and then the nausea hit hard.  I spent most of the early evening in the bedroom with a puke bucket nearby.  But, my baby boy came into rub my feet.  I love him so much. 

 

 

After drinking some flavored water I felt a little better, but soon made my way to bed.  I was just hoping the next day would go better.