Have you even contemplated your own death? Like really sat down and thought about how it would happen and how it would feel and how people around you would respond? Not in the sense of signing an advanced directive for a hypothetical what if in this world, but really raw and true fear of wasting away before your loved ones in something completely out of your control?
I have. I do. Every. Single. Day.
Today, January 22, 2020 marks the 7th anniversary of hearing the words "you have breast cancer." Every day since, I have contemplated my death. I think about often what choices I would have to make. What choices I have already made, but haven't shared with anyone. I think about what medications I would request to make myself more comfortable. Something written in the event I couldn't speak anymore. I think about what I would tell Sam and Camden and how I would prepare them for life without me. I think about being the patient and not the nurse. I think about all of the people I have cared for turning around to care for me.
In 7 years I have thought a lot about getting this far out from cancer diagnosis. About what exactly this means to me and to my family and to my friends and to my coworkers. One of the biggest questions people ask when finding out you are a youthful cancer survivor is, "but you're good now, right?" In a way to make the question asker feel better I always answer, "yep, cancer free."
Now I want you to think about this. To really try and put yourself in my shoes. Does someone who is cancer free think about their death every day? Does someone who is cancer free question every twinge in their body? Does someone who is cancer free truly believe they will leave behind their family before they all are ready? Probably not.
As any 7 year itch gives you a little motivation for change, I dug out the 'ol blog I documented my deepest and rawest feelings. I am hear posting again to tell you all I am here. I am living. The reason I haven't posted an entry since chemo is because I have been trying to be as normal as possible. I have relished in the sunshine on tropical vacations. I have poured my heart in the my career where I truly feel like I am making a difference. I have found new friends and new hobbies. We have a new dog. Camden is big and strong and amazing. We are living.
I am living through every day where death crosses my mind, but I am overcoming it. As I read back on my past entries I come to tears in recognition that that was ME. I wrote that. I went through that. I can't believe how much life has changed and how much I didn't let cancer win.
I will never not think about what cancer could bring, but I will not let it over take my life. Thank you to my amazing rock, Sam. Thank you to Camden to remind me that I have to keep going. Cheers to 7 years to all of the people who have prayed, who have supported us, and who live with me day by day. You all know who you are. I praise God every day for all of you. For without you, I wouldn't be here today.
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