My instant reaction was to turn to Sam and say, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry." I felt in my heart like we did not deserve this and I had let him down. We cried, we hugged, and we cried some more. This is devastating. I was going to be starting nursing school on Monday, we were planning on another baby that I would breastfeed for a year.
Why was this happening to us and right now?
Midwife K helped us gather our things because she had already made an appointment with a breast surgeon and the appointment was in about 20 minutes.
Before we left the office I asked to talk to Midwife J--she saw us for the majority of our prenatal appointments and delivered Camden and she felt the lump. She was in tears and felt so badly that this was happening. She never thought the lump was cancer, but all I could say was thank you.
We got in the car together and drove down the road to the first of many appointments. Because I work with a doctor I was very familiar with the medical system on the west side of the metro. We entered a building that I go to twice a week; we headed to the same floor as my office but took a left instead of right off of the elevator.
I instantly felt the everyone in the office was staring at me. "There is the young girl with cancer," "why is she here to see the breast surgeon?" As we were standing in line to check in for my appointment a woman cut in front of us in line. I literally thought with tensions so high that Sam was going to grab her by the hair and pull her to the ground. I remind myself that she had no idea what news we had just been dealt and it was not her fault. She didn't give me cancer.
We were called back to the room--and here goes my nervous joking personality. The medical assistant who took us back to the room asked if she could get a weight. My response, "are you sure we have to do this, I've had a really crappy day already and we don't need to make it worse." With an uncomfortable look and a caring sigh she said, "yes, Nicole, we haven't seen you before." As I stepped up all I could think was, you're right you haven't seen me before and I was hoping we would never meet.
Enter the beautiful Dr. DJ. Calming face, with the fit body of a surgeon, and the most gorgeous hair!! She brought the "Understanding Breast Cancer" pamphlet and went through my surgical options page by page. The overwhelming reality was starting to sink in. I wanted to know if we could have another baby because my wanting to breastfeed ever again was out the door.
I cried as she started to explain the screening process to learn more about my cancer. She placed her hand on my leg and reminded me that I can do this. She told me my cancer care coordinator would be in to describe what appointments she was going to set up and to tell me where to go next.
Enter CCC--cancer care coordinator--M, who luckily enough also has gorgeous hair. CCC M was sending me down to the breast center to get a mammogram and she would be calling about the rest of the week's appointments. She assured me she would be there when I needed her and not to worry.
I don't know if we left feeling better or worse, but it was a whirlwind.
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