Since there isn't a ton for me to report, I asked my friend Jill to blog about what this experience has done for her and to her life. You are all know by now that I don't consider this my fight, but our fight together; and I know Jill and her family is right on the front lines fighting for me. I love their family. They would do absolutely anything for us and we would do the same. I consider her like a sister and I consider her the 2nd mom to Camden. She is an amazingly strong support and always there to lift my spirits. She is one of my inspirations and my reminders of why I have to win this fight.
_________________________________________________________________________
My name is Jill and not only am I one of Nicole’s best friends but also her next door neighbor. Over 3 years ago I never thought I would meet such an amazing family and become so close to them. So when Nicole was diagnosed with breast cancer I just didn’t want to believe it. How could we go from nights were we would watching TV with our glasses of wine rolling our eyes at our husbands, or sitting out on the lawn with our kids playing in the pool to tears and talking about cancer. This just couldn’t be happening and I still can’t believe it.
I remember when Nicole first told me she had found a lump. I hoped and prayed it would be nothing so the day Nicole found out that she had cancer I was devastated. I remember being at work, trying to keep busy, and not thinking about the possible outcome. When I got home from work that night, I had just walked in the door and my husband told me that we needed to go next door. My heart sank. Mike said “Well, maybe she’s pregnant.” I told him “You don’t get tested for breast cancer and come out pregnant.” We walked in their house and Nicole handed us a beer and I could tell by the look in Nicole’s eyes that the outcome wasn’t good. All I could say was “No.” That night we talked, cried and I tried to be strong. That night I cried and laid awake praying that my friend and her family would be okay.
This isn’t the first time that cancer has had in impact on my life. When I was very young my mother passed away from thyroid cancer. My dad remarried and my mom today is the only mom I know, but there is always the thought in the back of my mind about what my birth mom was like. This was one of the thoughts that went through my mind when Nicole told me; I hoped that Camden wouldn’t have to go through life without his mom and the wonder of not knowing her and what she was like.
Seeing Nicole and her family go through this has been the hardest thing that I’ve had to deal
with. To see your friend go through this when she has a family and a son of her own is very difficult. I’ve wanted to take away all the pain and hurt that Nicole and her family have been
going through, but I can’t so I’ve tried to help out where ever I could; whether it’s helping with Camden, making dinner, being there for Nicole when she needed to talk or just spending time with them trying to have life back to normal.
As many of you know, Nicole is now on her second round of Chemo treatment. I’ve noticed a lot in the past few weeks. Nicole is Nicole again. Her first round of treatment was very difficult. To see her sleepy and barely able to do anything for even a short period of time was difficult. It was hard to watch her go through this and know that there is nothing you can do to help. But during this second round, I can say that Nicole is making a comeback. It is wonderful to see her smile and laugh again, have a drink with her, spend time outside with our kids. The one day that I knew that Nicole was going to make it through this was last weekend. We had decided to do a joint garden with all the veggies that we love. The husbands were going to try and attempt to smoke some ribs. It was wonderful to see Nicole sitting in the sun, talking and laughing with us and our other neighbor, but the best part of it was when Nicole and I got to cook together in the kitchen. We had so much fun and it was wonderful to be able to stand beside my friend and cook. That is the moment that I knew my friend was going to fight this and win.
Nicole, you mean so much to everyone. You are an amazing mother, wife, sister, daughter,
friend to many of us. You and your story have impacted so many of us in so many different
ways. You are an incredible and amazing woman. I look forward to the day when we will be little old ladies sitting on our chairs in the sun, probably still rolling our eyes at our husbands, with our glasses of wine watching our children and their families celebrating many, many, many years of being cancer free. We love you!
Showing posts with label Awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Awareness. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
The Race for the Cure
Where to begin. Hmmm. As most of you know, I'm not often at a loss for words. Actually, it's almost never.
I'll try to sum up what this day meant for me and try not to get too emotional about it. The day before the "race"--and by race I mean non-competitive walk--we spent as a family. A few quick errands and a nap for Camden and then it was on to see Leah and her family. We planned to spend the night at the Water Park of America hotel, so we packed up and headed down to Bloomington. Met at the front desk by four very wet boys we got checked in and headed up to our room. Upgrade by Leah's hotel points we stayed in a grand suite. Bunk beds, there were bunk beds in our room! A beautiful suite, but no time to look around we had a water park to get to.
Four hours later after tackling the family tube slide, lazy river, kid area, and the hot tub we were all spent. The boys were all rubbing their eyes and Camden was signing eat continuously. Good thing there was a restaurant in the hotel.
After a great night's sleep in a bed I never wanted to leave, we got ready and packed and went for breakfast. We met up with Leah and the boys and had the breakfast buffet before heading over to the Mall of America. I was adorned in my pink shirt and scarf and walking shoes. I was still feeling great from treatment. I was feeling blessed. A team of over 20 people were walking in my honor. Humbled and blessed.
My bestie Melissa had organized the team of a lot of family and a lot of Sam's co workers and many of our friends. Watching the group gather brought tears to my sun glassed covered eyes. The excitement for saving breasts was overwhelming!!
As 9:00am closed in we made our way to the start line adorned with the American flag. I get goosebumps every. single. time. I hear the national anthem.
We continued to march on. The walk winded through a neighborhood of supporters. The kids were having a blast. Trading turns in the wagon to keep warm and rest their little legs. Camden felt the need to walk himself. His little body got going faster than his legs and he fell and hit his head. He's fine, just a ginormous bruise and a little road rash that looks like someone took a bite out of his head.
I'll try to sum up what this day meant for me and try not to get too emotional about it. The day before the "race"--and by race I mean non-competitive walk--we spent as a family. A few quick errands and a nap for Camden and then it was on to see Leah and her family. We planned to spend the night at the Water Park of America hotel, so we packed up and headed down to Bloomington. Met at the front desk by four very wet boys we got checked in and headed up to our room. Upgrade by Leah's hotel points we stayed in a grand suite. Bunk beds, there were bunk beds in our room! A beautiful suite, but no time to look around we had a water park to get to.
Four hours later after tackling the family tube slide, lazy river, kid area, and the hot tub we were all spent. The boys were all rubbing their eyes and Camden was signing eat continuously. Good thing there was a restaurant in the hotel.
After a great night's sleep in a bed I never wanted to leave, we got ready and packed and went for breakfast. We met up with Leah and the boys and had the breakfast buffet before heading over to the Mall of America. I was adorned in my pink shirt and scarf and walking shoes. I was still feeling great from treatment. I was feeling blessed. A team of over 20 people were walking in my honor. Humbled and blessed.
My bestie Melissa had organized the team of a lot of family and a lot of Sam's co workers and many of our friends. Watching the group gather brought tears to my sun glassed covered eyes. The excitement for saving breasts was overwhelming!!
As 9:00am closed in we made our way to the start line adorned with the American flag. I get goosebumps every. single. time. I hear the national anthem.
The sea of people all walking for one cause: to eventually eradicate breast cancer. It was so invigorating to be in the same place all walking for the same thing. The white shirts representing those who are supporting and the pink shirts representing those fighting and those who have conquered the disease. I didn't want to hide my pink behind my coat. I wanted all to see that this is a young women's disease too and we fight hard and nasty.
Making our way to the starting line was showing us adults how chaotic the walk would be. 6 kids in total and one wagon. You can tell Leah is used to leading her small herd through crowds. I think the rest of us were more nervous than she, but good thing Melissa's boy friend wore a bright yellow Livestrong sweatshirt. He was a great landmark!!
Julie Nelson and Jared Sebesta from the local Kare 11 News counted down the walk. 3-2-1 and we were walking. Nearly 50,000 people in total for the day participating in the fight against breast cancer. Each and everyone of them affected by the disease in some manner.
We saw a lot of back with pinks placards in celebration and in memory. Seeing men and women my age who were walking in memory of their moms or sisters brought me to tears. Some times I feel if I could just fight harder to take away the fight for others. I didn't seem to find the table with these placards, but if I could make one now I would walk in celebration of the following women:
Jessica--my breast cancer angel
Vanessa (http://thelivesincerelyproject.com/)
My grandma Mary--83 years old and doing amazing
My friend Kim's mom--newly diagnosed
All women diagnosed under 30
And . . . ME
The walk got started and we passed under the START banner. Just passed the banner was a set of overpasses. The voices would echo so the participants were yelling in celebration. After I had promised myself I wouldn't cry, the tears began flowing. I felt like each of those people were cheering for me and my fight. They were cheering because among all the sadness and dispare that breast cancer brings there is everlasting hope. Hope that one day, through research and support, there will be no more breast cancer. That another mother at age 28 with a 15 month old son and a 3 year old marriage will not have to hear those ugly words. That there will be no missing work because of major surgery and chemo therapy. That there will be lot of natural breasts and moms who are able to breastfeed their children. That no one will have to live the nightmare my family has lived. But, we will conquer this. And that moment, when so many people were yelling, I felt hope and promise that my dream will come true.
We continued to march on. The walk winded through a neighborhood of supporters. The kids were having a blast. Trading turns in the wagon to keep warm and rest their little legs. Camden felt the need to walk himself. His little body got going faster than his legs and he fell and hit his head. He's fine, just a ginormous bruise and a little road rash that looks like someone took a bite out of his head.
He decided he needed a nap during the race. This was the only way, he would not lay down. He's my sweet boy that will never know a life without fighting breast cancer. Of course as a mother, I would take this all away in a heart beat. But, in some ways I'm proud; it shows him how to be compassionate and loving and I feel like we are rearing a fighting spirit. Not that he needed more of it--we are feisty Scandinavians by blood.
We approached the near 2 mile mark as we rounded a corner. This corner was deemed "hug a survivor" corner. My team rushed over to hug me. These are only some of the people that I know are equally fighting my fight with me. My hug back was hugging them because they are a survivor, too.
As we neared the finish line and the mall the excitement began to pick up again. KS95 was announcing teams and survivors as they crossed the finish line. Melissa and I took this as an ample opportunity to have a photo op. My personal goal is to run the race next year--again, don't tell my boss. He will really think that I've lost it--so Melissa and I took a picture of me "running" across the finish line. I don't know what happened to this picture or else I would share. As we finished up our photo op the announcer grabbed Melisa and asked my name. All of a sudden I heard over the speakers "Entering Survivor Nicole!!" So awesome to hear my name and hear people cheer.
After the walk the survivors were to go inside the rotunda of the mall for the survivor ceremony. I think this is the part I was most nervous for. I'm young, I look young and therefore I look like I don't belong. Most of these women are at least 50 and older. As we entered the rotunda my nerves settled. I was following an elderly woman who placard on her back said she was celebrating 37 years cancer free. What hope and inspiration. She will never know what she gave me by simply walking in front of me.
The camaraderie among these women is insurmountable. I was looking for a seat and the women kindly ushered me down the row. I was about four rows back, front and center in the sea of pink shirts.
Hosted by Kare 11's Rena and Blake, the ceremony began with Native American drumming and shall dancing and jungle dress dancing. As they were dancing the woman made friends and embraced. We all knew. Whether stage 0 or stage 4. We all knew.
There was an inspiring speech by a 26 year old male breast cancer survivor. His shirt said "Rare but There". So true my friend. What an inspiration of hope. He said we should shout from the roof tops like Dr. Seuss's Horton--"We Are Here!". Yes. I am here and I will shout loudly until we find a cure.
There was music and dancing, hugging and crying. We all stood for the years we've been survivors. I stood for the newly diagnosed. Adorned with my matching pink scarf, I began to cry. The 10 year survivor to my left stood to embrace me. Then we laughed because my nose was running so bad because I don't have nose hairs. Another relation to the woman who had been through chemo. When I stood I locked eyes with another young women. Clearly, she was my age. Another in the under-researched group of diagnosed under 30. The rotunda was lined with people celebrating with the survivors and cheering us on.
The ceremony ended with a bang. I cried tears of hope, tears of inspiration, tears of fear of the unknown, tears for my family, tears for all of those affected. But at the end of the day I realized I was crying tears of happiness. There haven't been many of those in the last few months, but I was so happy. I was happy to be surrounded by the love of my husband and son and all those walking in my honor, I was happy to be part of a community that all hate breast cancer as much as I do, and I was happy to just be a part of my first Race for the Cure.
Overall, and to end this very long post, Happy Mother's Day and remember to check your boobs!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
What Cancer Cannot Do
I think I talk a lot about what cancer has taken away from me. I typically try to stay really positive, but the last few weeks through treatment have been really hard on me emotionally. My baby sister, yea she isn't a baby because she's 23, sent me a text one night of what cancer cannot take away from you. I don't know where she got it, but I looked over it and cried and then said a prayer to God because through it all I still have something. Share this. Share it will all of your friends, because this is a powerful message.
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so LIMITED . . . . . .
It cannot cripple Love
It cannot shatter Hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
I cannot kill Friendship
It cannot suppress Memories
It cannot silence Courage
It cannot invade the Soul
It cannot steal Eternal Life
It cannot conquer the Spirit
So go tell your friends that cancer cannot win. Thank you baby sister for putting things into perspective for me again. I love you.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Clinical Trials
My oncologist called late last week to talk about a current Phase III clinical trial. This trial is for a specific subset of breast cancer patients. When I received my biopsy results, as well as the surgery pathology, it was determined I was HER2 negative. HER2 is a protein that attaches to the cancer cell and becomes part of the fuel for the cancer. This is considered to be a very aggressive type of cancer as this type typically grows very quickly because of the protein.
In all actuality my cancer is not a true HER2 negative, but rather a HER2 low. There isn't enough of the protein to consider it positive. The clinical trial the office called about is investigating whether or not HER2 low patients would benefit from the standard of care given to HER2 positive patients. There have been studies in England and Europe that have proven HER2 low patients to benefit from receiving the medicine Herceptin as part of their protocol. It cuts the recurrence rates in half.
It is a 50% chance I will be randomized into the group who receives the medicine. If not I will be in the control group for the study. The study will follow my treatment for 10 years. If the study reaches a Phase IV and eventually FDA approved then I would be one of the first people to receive this new protocol.
I have signed my consents to be a part of the study and now wait for randomization. I hope I get the Herceptin, but if not I know that I will be furthering the knowledge of breast cancer. And specifically breast cancer for women under 30. There aren't a lot of statistics or studies done on my group of women, but in my opinion we are the ones who need it. We have too many years to live and more research should be done on how to minimize recurrence and metastasizing cancers. This is just one way I will give back to the women who will follow me on this never ending bumpy path.
In all actuality my cancer is not a true HER2 negative, but rather a HER2 low. There isn't enough of the protein to consider it positive. The clinical trial the office called about is investigating whether or not HER2 low patients would benefit from the standard of care given to HER2 positive patients. There have been studies in England and Europe that have proven HER2 low patients to benefit from receiving the medicine Herceptin as part of their protocol. It cuts the recurrence rates in half.
It is a 50% chance I will be randomized into the group who receives the medicine. If not I will be in the control group for the study. The study will follow my treatment for 10 years. If the study reaches a Phase IV and eventually FDA approved then I would be one of the first people to receive this new protocol.
I have signed my consents to be a part of the study and now wait for randomization. I hope I get the Herceptin, but if not I know that I will be furthering the knowledge of breast cancer. And specifically breast cancer for women under 30. There aren't a lot of statistics or studies done on my group of women, but in my opinion we are the ones who need it. We have too many years to live and more research should be done on how to minimize recurrence and metastasizing cancers. This is just one way I will give back to the women who will follow me on this never ending bumpy path.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I Signed Up For a 5K
Don't tell my boss. Seriously. He would think I've officially lost my mind. He's a busy surgeon that manages to find time to do triathalons for insanity fun. We work in care teams: the doctor, the PA, and me the care coordinator. We have come up with an agreement that since our doc works out so much, he does enough to cover the PA and me. I think this is a great agreement.
Well, I signed up for a 5K. Yes, I'm going to walk it, but I still signed up. Actually . . . Sam and Camden are signed up, too. As well as a team of folks and we'd love your support or company.
We will be spending Mother's Day 2013 supporting breast cancer awareness and research while walking in the Race for the Cure.
Well, I signed up for a 5K. Yes, I'm going to walk it, but I still signed up. Actually . . . Sam and Camden are signed up, too. As well as a team of folks and we'd love your support or company.
We will be spending Mother's Day 2013 supporting breast cancer awareness and research while walking in the Race for the Cure.
(image: Susan G. Komen)
There is absolutely no obligation because I know so many of you have given your financial support to us already, and for that I am so grateful. However, if you wish to support "the cause" please follow the link and make your donation.
If you would like to join us on Mother's Day here in Minneapolis you can sign up at the link below. Team Nicole with organizer Melissa C.
I think what I'm most excited about, aside for spending the day as a family, is wearing a breast cancer survivor shirt and taking my picture in the Mall of America rotunda with all of the other survivors. No, I'm not a survivor yet, but I'm a fighter. I probably won't have hair on my head, but I will wear it with pride that day. Because my fight will help others fight and this race will aid in finding more research and more opportunity to find a cure for this devil.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Outraged
I know I'm behind and need to finish up what has happend this last week, but this morning I was checking out Facebook and I noticed a post from The Dave Ryan in the Morning Show. Apparently due to Facebook's policy on keeping clean photos and non-nude photos on their site they chose to remove the following photo.
This is a women who posted a photo of her chest. Yes, techinically her bare chest, but it is an elborate tattoo over her bilateral mastectomy. I am purely outraged at Facebook. How dare they? There is no cleavage, no nipple, no butt crack, no vagina, no penis. What about this is offensive? I left a comment on The Dave Ryan Show's page:
As someone who just had a double mastectomy 8 days ago, I find Facebook to be in the wrong. Without seeing this women's face you can tell by her body she is fairly young. I am 28. To make a decision to remove your breasts for the sake of saving your life is the hardest decision I have ever had to face. She may have removed her breasts so one day she will be alive for a spouse and children. This is a shield of armour. This is strength. This is beauty. Tell me where are you seeing nudity and where do you find this offensive?
I'm sure my little blog to keep people posted doesn't go far, but if I can bring awareness so more women do not have to live the last 3 weeks that I have had to live, I will do it. So Facebook, maybe check through these photos you "own" and pluck out the truely offensive ones.
This is a women who posted a photo of her chest. Yes, techinically her bare chest, but it is an elborate tattoo over her bilateral mastectomy. I am purely outraged at Facebook. How dare they? There is no cleavage, no nipple, no butt crack, no vagina, no penis. What about this is offensive? I left a comment on The Dave Ryan Show's page:
As someone who just had a double mastectomy 8 days ago, I find Facebook to be in the wrong. Without seeing this women's face you can tell by her body she is fairly young. I am 28. To make a decision to remove your breasts for the sake of saving your life is the hardest decision I have ever had to face. She may have removed her breasts so one day she will be alive for a spouse and children. This is a shield of armour. This is strength. This is beauty. Tell me where are you seeing nudity and where do you find this offensive?
I'm sure my little blog to keep people posted doesn't go far, but if I can bring awareness so more women do not have to live the last 3 weeks that I have had to live, I will do it. So Facebook, maybe check through these photos you "own" and pluck out the truely offensive ones.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Today's the Day
Today is the the day. Sam and I had a great day yesterday. We started the day off as a family. We went for family pictures; I can't wait to see the images. Camden then spent the evening with my parents as Sam and I went for dinner and a movie.
I woke up this morning actually well rested. I slept about 6 full hours. Surprising because like most, I don't typically sleep while I'm stressed. I woke up with a song in my head. It happens to be a hymn I grew up with, "It is well in my soul." I think this is God's way of telling me I'm going to be ok.
I go in about 10:15 so we have only a few hours to get things ready and wrap up a few things around the house. Of course we will keep you all posted after my surgery. It's going to be one of the hardest days, but I feel well within my soul.
I woke up this morning actually well rested. I slept about 6 full hours. Surprising because like most, I don't typically sleep while I'm stressed. I woke up with a song in my head. It happens to be a hymn I grew up with, "It is well in my soul." I think this is God's way of telling me I'm going to be ok.
I go in about 10:15 so we have only a few hours to get things ready and wrap up a few things around the house. Of course we will keep you all posted after my surgery. It's going to be one of the hardest days, but I feel well within my soul.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
My Sea of Pink
I believe when you need to hear God, He will speak. I believe when you need support, God will provide. Well, God provided and He spoke to me on Wednesday giving me peace and hope in my soul.
Wednesday was my lat day of work. I really didn't have a lot to do, just finish up a few things to hand it over to my coverage (who by the way is amazing!). I walked into work about 10 to 8 like every other day. I wasn't expecting anything out of hte normal, maybe a few extra tears and hugs, but nothing else.
My lead is alway there at 7:30 so of course she was hard at work already. We have the option of wearing our uniform scrubs or wearing business casual when we are in the office. Well, my lead ALWAYS wears her blue scrubs. Always. She was wearing this great new pink top with some nice black dress pants. She looked great! So of course I mentioned it,
"Dawn, look at you! You look amazing! Do you have somewhere to be after work?"
"No."
Ok, now I was really confused. "Well, why are you in normal clothes?"
"I had to wear pink."
"Well, why did you have to wear pink?" I really had no clue, maybe for her daughter or shoot, who knows.
"For you! Look around, everyone is wearing pink for you today!"
My heart was so happy I burst into the Ugly Cry again. I looked out as my cube neighbor Jenny popped out in a bright pink shirt, Judy from the front desk was wearing pink. Literally as everyone showed up, they were all wearing pink. My army was there to fight for me.
My friend and co-worker Katie popped around the corner with a huge smile on her face and said "You have to open your gifts!" My cube was full of a large pink bag and a few cards. I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't expecting any of this. I started with the big pink bag. From Katie with such an inspirational, heart-felt card. Inside was a comfy throw, chapstick, lots of trashy magazines, a beautiful bracelet, and her awesome sea salt fudge brownies. The perfect post surgical kit of relaxation. I cried again.
She then pointed me to a yellow envelope. "That one is from TCO." I thought, oh maybe a card everyone signed, or maybe a small gift card. I opened it, read the nice message and saw 2 gift cards. One for Target, one from Visa. I said thank you to Katie and left it at that because my mom taught me it's rude to look for the $$ first. Katie told me to look. Cuetears the water fall. Holy crap. My coworkers generously donated a total of over $1000 to me to help with groceries and gas. I was beyond . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . speechless.
I literally had no idea what to say, other than thank you through my tears. Katie explained how it was hard to pull everything off because I'm so nosey. She had organized the whole thing with a little help from others. I was feeling so blessed, so uplifted, and so supported.
So in short, thank you coworkers. You have truly amazed me withi your generosity and prayer. The day went on with lots of tears and little work, but I left with a little less fear and a little more hope.
So here is my SEA OF PINK
Wednesday was my lat day of work. I really didn't have a lot to do, just finish up a few things to hand it over to my coverage (who by the way is amazing!). I walked into work about 10 to 8 like every other day. I wasn't expecting anything out of hte normal, maybe a few extra tears and hugs, but nothing else.
My lead is alway there at 7:30 so of course she was hard at work already. We have the option of wearing our uniform scrubs or wearing business casual when we are in the office. Well, my lead ALWAYS wears her blue scrubs. Always. She was wearing this great new pink top with some nice black dress pants. She looked great! So of course I mentioned it,
"Dawn, look at you! You look amazing! Do you have somewhere to be after work?"
"No."
Ok, now I was really confused. "Well, why are you in normal clothes?"
"I had to wear pink."
"Well, why did you have to wear pink?" I really had no clue, maybe for her daughter or shoot, who knows.
"For you! Look around, everyone is wearing pink for you today!"
My heart was so happy I burst into the Ugly Cry again. I looked out as my cube neighbor Jenny popped out in a bright pink shirt, Judy from the front desk was wearing pink. Literally as everyone showed up, they were all wearing pink. My army was there to fight for me.
My friend and co-worker Katie popped around the corner with a huge smile on her face and said "You have to open your gifts!" My cube was full of a large pink bag and a few cards. I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't expecting any of this. I started with the big pink bag. From Katie with such an inspirational, heart-felt card. Inside was a comfy throw, chapstick, lots of trashy magazines, a beautiful bracelet, and her awesome sea salt fudge brownies. The perfect post surgical kit of relaxation. I cried again.
She then pointed me to a yellow envelope. "That one is from TCO." I thought, oh maybe a card everyone signed, or maybe a small gift card. I opened it, read the nice message and saw 2 gift cards. One for Target, one from Visa. I said thank you to Katie and left it at that because my mom taught me it's rude to look for the $$ first. Katie told me to look. Cue
I literally had no idea what to say, other than thank you through my tears. Katie explained how it was hard to pull everything off because I'm so nosey. She had organized the whole thing with a little help from others. I was feeling so blessed, so uplifted, and so supported.
So in short, thank you coworkers. You have truly amazed me withi your generosity and prayer. The day went on with lots of tears and little work, but I left with a little less fear and a little more hope.
So here is my SEA OF PINK
When I got home from work, my parents had made it safely. Our pastor from our church wass coming over to pray with us, something I had been looking forward to all week. He came with his wife and got right to business. He read to us Psalm 121.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
The Lord is watching over me. This is stated 4 times in different words. One thing I learned when Jason died, told to me by the pastor who married us, was God has really big shoulders. You can be so angry with him, but He will still pick you up and carry you through the hard times. When you finally turn around and say I love you to Him and thank you, He will gently nod and say I love you too.
I know the Lord is with me, the Lord will carry me. I believe strongly in the power of prayer and strength in numbers. The one thing that was shown to me on Wednesday was my army of prayer warriors is far larger than I can imagine.
Thank you . . . each of you.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Genetics Are Back
Late Friday afternoon I got a call from the genetics ladies at the Piper Center. It was 3 minutes until my work day was set to be over, but I recognized the tell-tale 612-863 number as one from Piper. The incredible smart and fast talking geneticist told me my BRCA results were in.
What? Hold the phone. These results were supposed to take 2-3 weeks to get back and it had only been 8 days.
BRCA is the cool genetics way of abbreviating BReast CAncer. There are 2 breast cancer genes known by scientists today. BRCA I and BRCA II.
BRCA I carried very high rates of early breast cancer, reoccurence of breast cancer, and development of ovarian cancer. BRCA II also carries the risk, but it's much better in terms of statistics.
One of the first things people ask a 28 year old with breast cancer is "does it run in your family?" In short yes. My grandmother had breast cancer more than once which resulted in a bilateral mastectomy. She then developed ovarian cancer. But, Grandma Mary (my dad's mom) is still kicking it strong at 83 years old. Her first cancer developed at age 61. This isn't young, but relatively speaking it is young. She is 15 years cancer free from her last cancer. This gives me a lot of hope.
Our pathologies were very similar. She was also estrogen and progesterone positive. For some reason I never felt this was a coincidence. You don't find many coincidences in science. Mary always said "I bet I have that gene." She doesn't have a lot of direct breast cancer links, but there were many other women in her family who also died of breast cancer at fairly young ages. Mary was never tested for BRCA. Back when she had cancer there were not laws in place to protect her family. Her doctors actually urged her NOT to get tested. He told her if both she and her son's families had Blue Cross (or any of the same insurance) if she came back positive Blue Cross could use her diagnoses as a pre-existing condition and cancel her son's policies. She didn't want to hurt any one from getting medical care if they needed it.
Because I am so young and there are now federal laws in place to protect my families, I opted to get tested. I felt like this was the final piece of information my Type A personality needed.
I am BRCA II positive. I carry the breast cancer gene.
Somewhere along my gene sequence at pair 2,609 (or something like that) I am missing a T. Think of your DNA unfolded like a ladder. At each rung of the ladder there is a pair of letters. The combination and order of the letters make you who your are. G, T, C, A. The G is matched with C and the A is matched with T. Down my ladder where there is an A I am missing my matching T.
Something so trivial, yet so tell tale of what is going on in my life today. This mean my dad has to have this gene and Grandma Mary has to carry this gene. She was right. She is a breast cancer gene carrier.
To some this may sound awful--NO!! To me this is great news. We know exactly what is causing my cancer. This is one of the 2 most studied breast cancer genes. Doctors and scientists know how to FIGHT my cancer. This also means my surgical options aren't really options any more. The recommendation for someone who carries a BRCA gene is to do a double mastectomy. I AM MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE!!
This results took a huge weight of uncertainty off for me. There is still a lot of unknowns and hurdles to pass, but right now I know the plan of action we have chosen is the right one. I will not second guess myself and I will never look back and think I should have chosen differently.
What? Hold the phone. These results were supposed to take 2-3 weeks to get back and it had only been 8 days.
BRCA is the cool genetics way of abbreviating BReast CAncer. There are 2 breast cancer genes known by scientists today. BRCA I and BRCA II.
One of the first things people ask a 28 year old with breast cancer is "does it run in your family?" In short yes. My grandmother had breast cancer more than once which resulted in a bilateral mastectomy. She then developed ovarian cancer. But, Grandma Mary (my dad's mom) is still kicking it strong at 83 years old. Her first cancer developed at age 61. This isn't young, but relatively speaking it is young. She is 15 years cancer free from her last cancer. This gives me a lot of hope.
Our pathologies were very similar. She was also estrogen and progesterone positive. For some reason I never felt this was a coincidence. You don't find many coincidences in science. Mary always said "I bet I have that gene." She doesn't have a lot of direct breast cancer links, but there were many other women in her family who also died of breast cancer at fairly young ages. Mary was never tested for BRCA. Back when she had cancer there were not laws in place to protect her family. Her doctors actually urged her NOT to get tested. He told her if both she and her son's families had Blue Cross (or any of the same insurance) if she came back positive Blue Cross could use her diagnoses as a pre-existing condition and cancel her son's policies. She didn't want to hurt any one from getting medical care if they needed it.
Because I am so young and there are now federal laws in place to protect my families, I opted to get tested. I felt like this was the final piece of information my Type A personality needed.
I am BRCA II positive. I carry the breast cancer gene.
Somewhere along my gene sequence at pair 2,609 (or something like that) I am missing a T. Think of your DNA unfolded like a ladder. At each rung of the ladder there is a pair of letters. The combination and order of the letters make you who your are. G, T, C, A. The G is matched with C and the A is matched with T. Down my ladder where there is an A I am missing my matching T.
Something so trivial, yet so tell tale of what is going on in my life today. This mean my dad has to have this gene and Grandma Mary has to carry this gene. She was right. She is a breast cancer gene carrier.
To some this may sound awful--NO!! To me this is great news. We know exactly what is causing my cancer. This is one of the 2 most studied breast cancer genes. Doctors and scientists know how to FIGHT my cancer. This also means my surgical options aren't really options any more. The recommendation for someone who carries a BRCA gene is to do a double mastectomy. I AM MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE!!
This results took a huge weight of uncertainty off for me. There is still a lot of unknowns and hurdles to pass, but right now I know the plan of action we have chosen is the right one. I will not second guess myself and I will never look back and think I should have chosen differently.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
My Breast Cancer Angel
I've been a part of an online community of women since Sam and I got engaged. Most recently I participated on a board for women who were trying to get pregnant or recently had babies. Through this group of my nestie bestie I met Jess. I knew she had had breast cancer at age 23. The day I was diagnosed she quick texted another friend who had my number to get in contact with me.
She has been through this journey and lives to tell her story on the other side. She has helped my interpret pathology reports, surgical options, the insane and sane feelings. She has reminded to me cry and be mad, be happy and blessed, and look for the future. I don't know if she really understands how truly amazing she has been for me.
Jess was diagnosed at age 23 and chose a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. She is pregnant with her first child and is due in March. She is my angel .
For those who are praying, please add Jess to your prayers. Pray that she has patience with her new baby boy, pray that the cancer does not return, and pray that she can make choices about her health to be on this Earth for as long as she can.
I'm short on words because I can't express to you what she means to me and my journey. If she wasn't 36 weeks pregnant I think she would be on my doorstep with a suitcase ready to move in and help. Thank you Jess, you are a God send for me.
She has been through this journey and lives to tell her story on the other side. She has helped my interpret pathology reports, surgical options, the insane and sane feelings. She has reminded to me cry and be mad, be happy and blessed, and look for the future. I don't know if she really understands how truly amazing she has been for me.
Jess was diagnosed at age 23 and chose a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. She is pregnant with her first child and is due in March. She is my angel .
For those who are praying, please add Jess to your prayers. Pray that she has patience with her new baby boy, pray that the cancer does not return, and pray that she can make choices about her health to be on this Earth for as long as she can.
I'm short on words because I can't express to you what she means to me and my journey. If she wasn't 36 weeks pregnant I think she would be on my doorstep with a suitcase ready to move in and help. Thank you Jess, you are a God send for me.
The Decision
After the MRI (results are in The Details) Dr. DJ had us come back to her office to talk again about surgery. This was one week to the day where I was told I had cancer. I sat in her office staring at her gorgeous hair, not really listening because who really listens after you are told you have cancer.
Sam and I had talked A LOT about what each surgical option meant and what it meant to us. I hated that we had to have this talk. No couple married only 3 years should have this talk. I think it was probably the most serious conversation we had ever had. This choice could affect us forever. We weighed all options and came to a conclusion. I will lay out the options we are given and go through our thought process.
Lumpectomy
This is a breast conserving surgery. The tumor will be removed with enough clear margin--cancer free tissue--and your breast will be sewed back up. This will leave the breast typically deformed, but you will still have your anatomical breast. This ALWAYS requires radiation treatment for 5-6 weeks for 5 days per week.
(Image: http://www.thecancerblog.org/blogs/archives/The-cancer-blog/1160919567-Nov-18-2006.html)
http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Lumpectomy.html
Mastectomy
This can be done as either one sided or both. All of the breast tissue is removed including at least your sentinel node--first lymph node--and possible all of the lymph nodes in your arm pit. This typically does not require radiation treatment. This is where plastics comes in. Reconstruction can be started right after the breast tissue is removed. Tissue expanders will be placed, so when a woman leaves the hospital she will leave with some breast mound.
http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Mastectomy.html
After meeting with the genetic counselor and the plastic surgeon Sam and I felt we had a lot of information to go over together. We had a lot of pros and cons to go through and we are confident in our decision. Like most things in marriage, this was a compromise. We needed to make sure both of our worst fears were eliminated.
With a lumpectomy the thought of radiation never set well with me. The plastic surgeon made it known that radiated skin couldn't be reconstructed as well. The skin is burnt and doesn't stretch as much so adding an implant would be difficult. I didn't want to stare at a shark bite in the mirror everyday. Even though this would conserve my breast the chance of reoccurence is higher than mastectomy. Being a 28 year old woman I have a lot of years for cancer to come back. The genetic counselor asked us if we were willing to go through this process again; because with a lumpectomy you would be screened and if the cancer came back you would have to do this again.
With a single mastectomy I would be able to preserve my left breast. That way if we are blessed with another child after this nightmare is over I could breast feed that child. Breastfeeding is very important to me. I breast fed Camden for a year, I have counseled other new moms on breastfeeding issues and successes, and I hoped to one day become a lactation consultant when I was done with nursing school . I feel strongly that breast milk is the best option for babies. Leaving breast tissue would leave the door open for cancer to return on the left side and again having our family to go through this process again.
Double mastectomy I feel gave me an answer to all of my fears. The chance of reoccurence would decrease. I wouldn't have to worry about additional screening showing up with more cancer and I wouldn't have to put my family through this again. The reconstruction options would be the easiest. Do both at one time and have them matching. The bad side, I will never be able to breast feed again. But I will not have to worry about breast cancer coming back.
I have a lot of years left and the chances of reoccurence is very high for me. We are still waiting on the genetic BRCA results to come back, but in short, 28 year olds don't typically get cancer. Sam and I talked and talked and talked some more. We don't ever want to have to do this again. This has been hell. This has been a nightmare. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. I'm scare of uncertainty and I want to be a mother to another baby and I want to be around to be a wife, mother, daughter, and sister for as long as God has planned. I feel like this will not defeat me. It may define me and it will test my strength, but I will win. We asked ourselves if the cancer did come back, what if I didn't find it so quickly? What if it comes back with a vengeance? What if they can't operate and just take it out?
Our solution and our choice--yes OUR because my breasts are equally mine and my husband's--is to do a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. If my one sacrifice is breastfeeding I will take it. I will cry and I will be upset when I can't bring my baby to breast to feed him, but I will be alive for him and my family.
My surgery is scheduled for February 15th. I'm ready and I will attack this. I have my team of surgeon's, doctors, friends, families and prayer warriors. You are all my army behind me and together we will win.
Sam and I had talked A LOT about what each surgical option meant and what it meant to us. I hated that we had to have this talk. No couple married only 3 years should have this talk. I think it was probably the most serious conversation we had ever had. This choice could affect us forever. We weighed all options and came to a conclusion. I will lay out the options we are given and go through our thought process.
Lumpectomy
This is a breast conserving surgery. The tumor will be removed with enough clear margin--cancer free tissue--and your breast will be sewed back up. This will leave the breast typically deformed, but you will still have your anatomical breast. This ALWAYS requires radiation treatment for 5-6 weeks for 5 days per week.
(Image: http://www.thecancerblog.org/blogs/archives/The-cancer-blog/1160919567-Nov-18-2006.html)
http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Lumpectomy.html
Mastectomy
This can be done as either one sided or both. All of the breast tissue is removed including at least your sentinel node--first lymph node--and possible all of the lymph nodes in your arm pit. This typically does not require radiation treatment. This is where plastics comes in. Reconstruction can be started right after the breast tissue is removed. Tissue expanders will be placed, so when a woman leaves the hospital she will leave with some breast mound.
http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Mastectomy.html
After meeting with the genetic counselor and the plastic surgeon Sam and I felt we had a lot of information to go over together. We had a lot of pros and cons to go through and we are confident in our decision. Like most things in marriage, this was a compromise. We needed to make sure both of our worst fears were eliminated.
With a lumpectomy the thought of radiation never set well with me. The plastic surgeon made it known that radiated skin couldn't be reconstructed as well. The skin is burnt and doesn't stretch as much so adding an implant would be difficult. I didn't want to stare at a shark bite in the mirror everyday. Even though this would conserve my breast the chance of reoccurence is higher than mastectomy. Being a 28 year old woman I have a lot of years for cancer to come back. The genetic counselor asked us if we were willing to go through this process again; because with a lumpectomy you would be screened and if the cancer came back you would have to do this again.
With a single mastectomy I would be able to preserve my left breast. That way if we are blessed with another child after this nightmare is over I could breast feed that child. Breastfeeding is very important to me. I breast fed Camden for a year, I have counseled other new moms on breastfeeding issues and successes, and I hoped to one day become a lactation consultant when I was done with nursing school . I feel strongly that breast milk is the best option for babies. Leaving breast tissue would leave the door open for cancer to return on the left side and again having our family to go through this process again.
Double mastectomy I feel gave me an answer to all of my fears. The chance of reoccurence would decrease. I wouldn't have to worry about additional screening showing up with more cancer and I wouldn't have to put my family through this again. The reconstruction options would be the easiest. Do both at one time and have them matching. The bad side, I will never be able to breast feed again. But I will not have to worry about breast cancer coming back.
I have a lot of years left and the chances of reoccurence is very high for me. We are still waiting on the genetic BRCA results to come back, but in short, 28 year olds don't typically get cancer. Sam and I talked and talked and talked some more. We don't ever want to have to do this again. This has been hell. This has been a nightmare. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. I'm scare of uncertainty and I want to be a mother to another baby and I want to be around to be a wife, mother, daughter, and sister for as long as God has planned. I feel like this will not defeat me. It may define me and it will test my strength, but I will win. We asked ourselves if the cancer did come back, what if I didn't find it so quickly? What if it comes back with a vengeance? What if they can't operate and just take it out?
Our solution and our choice--yes OUR because my breasts are equally mine and my husband's--is to do a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. If my one sacrifice is breastfeeding I will take it. I will cry and I will be upset when I can't bring my baby to breast to feed him, but I will be alive for him and my family.
My surgery is scheduled for February 15th. I'm ready and I will attack this. I have my team of surgeon's, doctors, friends, families and prayer warriors. You are all my army behind me and together we will win.
The Details
So here is the nitty gritty science of what we have going on.
My tumor--although I don't like to "own" this--is a invasive ductile carcinoma. This means the tumor started inside the milk ducts of my right breast and started to invade the outlying breast tissue. (image: http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/idc)
My tumor--although I don't like to "own" this--is a invasive ductile carcinoma. This means the tumor started inside the milk ducts of my right breast and started to invade the outlying breast tissue. (image: http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/idc)
Normal breast with invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC) in an enlarged cross-section of the duct Breast profile:
A Ducts
B Lobules
C Dilated section of duct to hold milk
D Nipple
E fat
F pectoralis major muscle
G Chest wall/rib cage
Enlargement
A Normal duct cell
B Ductal cancer cells breaking through the basement membrane.
C Basement membrane
The tumor is a grade II on the Nottingham scale--which as I understand means the cells are just slightly mutated. This is NOT the stage of my cancer. As of right now the doctors have not given a stage. I presume this will come after the surgical pathology.
The biopsy of the lymph tissue came back negative which is great news. During surgery Dr. DJ will take a lymph node for pathology to determine more.
My cancer is estrogen and progesterone postive. This means the "food" the cancer is using to grow is my hormones. This is actually a good thing. This way we know where and how the cancer is growing and there is medicine to stop the hormones so the cancer doesn't have food to eat.
My tumor is 1.7x1.3x1.5 cm. Relatively this is a very small tumor even though it feels about the size of a bouncy ball in my chest. (Another reminder to feel your boobs often ladies and men).
I did also have an MRI scan of both breasts to get a better picture of where the cancer was inhabiting. I will describe more of the experience in another post. Dr. DJ told me in the MRI they found another lump of about 7mm. My ducts were also lined with illuminated cells. They can't prove or disprove there is cancer here unless they were to do a biopsy, but if either area came back cancerous the right breast would be unconservable.
At this point I don't know if I will need any additional treatment; whether it be radtiation, chemo, or medicine to help attack my cancer. We will find out this information after my breast tissue is sent to pathology and checked out under the microscope.
For more information on pathology reports: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/ContentsofaPathologyReport.html
As more develops I will update the status of the cancer living inside of me.
A Ducts
B Lobules
C Dilated section of duct to hold milk
D Nipple
E fat
F pectoralis major muscle
G Chest wall/rib cage
Enlargement
A Normal duct cell
B Ductal cancer cells breaking through the basement membrane.
C Basement membrane
The tumor is a grade II on the Nottingham scale--which as I understand means the cells are just slightly mutated. This is NOT the stage of my cancer. As of right now the doctors have not given a stage. I presume this will come after the surgical pathology.
The biopsy of the lymph tissue came back negative which is great news. During surgery Dr. DJ will take a lymph node for pathology to determine more.
My cancer is estrogen and progesterone postive. This means the "food" the cancer is using to grow is my hormones. This is actually a good thing. This way we know where and how the cancer is growing and there is medicine to stop the hormones so the cancer doesn't have food to eat.
My tumor is 1.7x1.3x1.5 cm. Relatively this is a very small tumor even though it feels about the size of a bouncy ball in my chest. (Another reminder to feel your boobs often ladies and men).
I did also have an MRI scan of both breasts to get a better picture of where the cancer was inhabiting. I will describe more of the experience in another post. Dr. DJ told me in the MRI they found another lump of about 7mm. My ducts were also lined with illuminated cells. They can't prove or disprove there is cancer here unless they were to do a biopsy, but if either area came back cancerous the right breast would be unconservable.
At this point I don't know if I will need any additional treatment; whether it be radtiation, chemo, or medicine to help attack my cancer. We will find out this information after my breast tissue is sent to pathology and checked out under the microscope.
For more information on pathology reports: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/ContentsofaPathologyReport.html
As more develops I will update the status of the cancer living inside of me.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Spreading the News
The last thing in the world I wanted to do was spread the news to . . . well . . . anybody. I felt defeated, alone, and so angry. I sent a few quick text messages to the very few people who knew about the biopsy. After we met with Dr. DJ and I had my mammogram I knew I had to call my mom.
Cue the worst moment so far. I called her after work because I didn't want this to wait. She isn't always the easiest to get a hold of during the day, but I told her receptionist that I needed to talk to her because it was urgent. I asked her to find a spot alone and sit down. She told me she was sitting--liar--and I recapped the chain of events. I told her about the lump, the subsequent appointment, the ultrasound, the biopsy, and last the results. I cried through the whole thing and when I was finished my mom, who is a pillar of strength and will power, was crying so hard it was hard to understand her words.
Telling your mom, who has already buried a child, that one of her children have cancer was awful. If I could do anything in this world, it would be to make her heart feel whole again. She has lost a chunk of her heart when Jason died and I feel like I ripped out another piece and placed and unnecessary burden on her. But, in the true Montana way, she pulled up her boot straps and said, "Nicole, it will be ok. It has to be." From from over 600 miles away I felt safe.
Sam and I went to my work and broke the news. I shared in tears and hugs with a lot of my coworkers and then we went to his parents' house. On the way there I called one of my best girl friends. She cried in her cube at work and assured me God was with us and would protect us. Sam called his mom on the way to the house so she knew by the time we opened the door to get Camden. She wrapped her arms around me like only a mother could. If I can't have my mom here, I am so glad I have Sam's mom. She makes me feel like her own and part of the family.
We left and went home. I text our next door neighbors whom we have dinner with about once a week. as some of our best friends this news was very hard to break. The W's say on the love seat together after I greeted them with a beer at the door--hey I think this news called for a drink--J cried and M wiped tears from his eyes. I mean, you are supposed to tell your friends you are pregnant or even that you are getting divorced. I never thought we would have to tell our friends that I have cancer.
Probably the one phone call I was dreading the most was to my baby sister. She doesn't know it, but she is my strength and my rock. She is a roll model for me even though she is six years younger. She has been through so much and has to grow up so quickly. I just want her to be able to live her childhood and not deal with the real world quite yet. She was in class, but stepped out and called me after I had text her that I needed to talk to her. She knew about the biopsy so I quickly told her the results. She cried, hyperventilated, and cried some more. I never in my life wanted to cause her this pain. Never. Ever. Even when we would bite each other growing up.
I hung up the phone with my sister and cried in Camden's nursery from the very chair I nursed him in and have rocked him to sleep. Realizing he will be my only child I will ever breastfeed and very well may be my only child ever.
Cue the worst moment so far. I called her after work because I didn't want this to wait. She isn't always the easiest to get a hold of during the day, but I told her receptionist that I needed to talk to her because it was urgent. I asked her to find a spot alone and sit down. She told me she was sitting--liar--and I recapped the chain of events. I told her about the lump, the subsequent appointment, the ultrasound, the biopsy, and last the results. I cried through the whole thing and when I was finished my mom, who is a pillar of strength and will power, was crying so hard it was hard to understand her words.
Telling your mom, who has already buried a child, that one of her children have cancer was awful. If I could do anything in this world, it would be to make her heart feel whole again. She has lost a chunk of her heart when Jason died and I feel like I ripped out another piece and placed and unnecessary burden on her. But, in the true Montana way, she pulled up her boot straps and said, "Nicole, it will be ok. It has to be." From from over 600 miles away I felt safe.
Sam and I went to my work and broke the news. I shared in tears and hugs with a lot of my coworkers and then we went to his parents' house. On the way there I called one of my best girl friends. She cried in her cube at work and assured me God was with us and would protect us. Sam called his mom on the way to the house so she knew by the time we opened the door to get Camden. She wrapped her arms around me like only a mother could. If I can't have my mom here, I am so glad I have Sam's mom. She makes me feel like her own and part of the family.
We left and went home. I text our next door neighbors whom we have dinner with about once a week. as some of our best friends this news was very hard to break. The W's say on the love seat together after I greeted them with a beer at the door--hey I think this news called for a drink--J cried and M wiped tears from his eyes. I mean, you are supposed to tell your friends you are pregnant or even that you are getting divorced. I never thought we would have to tell our friends that I have cancer.
Probably the one phone call I was dreading the most was to my baby sister. She doesn't know it, but she is my strength and my rock. She is a roll model for me even though she is six years younger. She has been through so much and has to grow up so quickly. I just want her to be able to live her childhood and not deal with the real world quite yet. She was in class, but stepped out and called me after I had text her that I needed to talk to her. She knew about the biopsy so I quickly told her the results. She cried, hyperventilated, and cried some more. I never in my life wanted to cause her this pain. Never. Ever. Even when we would bite each other growing up.
I hung up the phone with my sister and cried in Camden's nursery from the very chair I nursed him in and have rocked him to sleep. Realizing he will be my only child I will ever breastfeed and very well may be my only child ever.
The Whirlwind
My instant reaction was to turn to Sam and say, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry." I felt in my heart like we did not deserve this and I had let him down. We cried, we hugged, and we cried some more. This is devastating. I was going to be starting nursing school on Monday, we were planning on another baby that I would breastfeed for a year.
Why was this happening to us and right now?
Midwife K helped us gather our things because she had already made an appointment with a breast surgeon and the appointment was in about 20 minutes.
Before we left the office I asked to talk to Midwife J--she saw us for the majority of our prenatal appointments and delivered Camden and she felt the lump. She was in tears and felt so badly that this was happening. She never thought the lump was cancer, but all I could say was thank you.
We got in the car together and drove down the road to the first of many appointments. Because I work with a doctor I was very familiar with the medical system on the west side of the metro. We entered a building that I go to twice a week; we headed to the same floor as my office but took a left instead of right off of the elevator.
I instantly felt the everyone in the office was staring at me. "There is the young girl with cancer," "why is she here to see the breast surgeon?" As we were standing in line to check in for my appointment a woman cut in front of us in line. I literally thought with tensions so high that Sam was going to grab her by the hair and pull her to the ground. I remind myself that she had no idea what news we had just been dealt and it was not her fault. She didn't give me cancer.
We were called back to the room--and here goes my nervous joking personality. The medical assistant who took us back to the room asked if she could get a weight. My response, "are you sure we have to do this, I've had a really crappy day already and we don't need to make it worse." With an uncomfortable look and a caring sigh she said, "yes, Nicole, we haven't seen you before." As I stepped up all I could think was, you're right you haven't seen me before and I was hoping we would never meet.
Enter the beautiful Dr. DJ. Calming face, with the fit body of a surgeon, and the most gorgeous hair!! She brought the "Understanding Breast Cancer" pamphlet and went through my surgical options page by page. The overwhelming reality was starting to sink in. I wanted to know if we could have another baby because my wanting to breastfeed ever again was out the door.
I cried as she started to explain the screening process to learn more about my cancer. She placed her hand on my leg and reminded me that I can do this. She told me my cancer care coordinator would be in to describe what appointments she was going to set up and to tell me where to go next.
Enter CCC--cancer care coordinator--M, who luckily enough also has gorgeous hair. CCC M was sending me down to the breast center to get a mammogram and she would be calling about the rest of the week's appointments. She assured me she would be there when I needed her and not to worry.
I don't know if we left feeling better or worse, but it was a whirlwind.
Why was this happening to us and right now?
Midwife K helped us gather our things because she had already made an appointment with a breast surgeon and the appointment was in about 20 minutes.
Before we left the office I asked to talk to Midwife J--she saw us for the majority of our prenatal appointments and delivered Camden and she felt the lump. She was in tears and felt so badly that this was happening. She never thought the lump was cancer, but all I could say was thank you.
We got in the car together and drove down the road to the first of many appointments. Because I work with a doctor I was very familiar with the medical system on the west side of the metro. We entered a building that I go to twice a week; we headed to the same floor as my office but took a left instead of right off of the elevator.
I instantly felt the everyone in the office was staring at me. "There is the young girl with cancer," "why is she here to see the breast surgeon?" As we were standing in line to check in for my appointment a woman cut in front of us in line. I literally thought with tensions so high that Sam was going to grab her by the hair and pull her to the ground. I remind myself that she had no idea what news we had just been dealt and it was not her fault. She didn't give me cancer.
We were called back to the room--and here goes my nervous joking personality. The medical assistant who took us back to the room asked if she could get a weight. My response, "are you sure we have to do this, I've had a really crappy day already and we don't need to make it worse." With an uncomfortable look and a caring sigh she said, "yes, Nicole, we haven't seen you before." As I stepped up all I could think was, you're right you haven't seen me before and I was hoping we would never meet.
Enter the beautiful Dr. DJ. Calming face, with the fit body of a surgeon, and the most gorgeous hair!! She brought the "Understanding Breast Cancer" pamphlet and went through my surgical options page by page. The overwhelming reality was starting to sink in. I wanted to know if we could have another baby because my wanting to breastfeed ever again was out the door.
I cried as she started to explain the screening process to learn more about my cancer. She placed her hand on my leg and reminded me that I can do this. She told me my cancer care coordinator would be in to describe what appointments she was going to set up and to tell me where to go next.
Enter CCC--cancer care coordinator--M, who luckily enough also has gorgeous hair. CCC M was sending me down to the breast center to get a mammogram and she would be calling about the rest of the week's appointments. She assured me she would be there when I needed her and not to worry.
I don't know if we left feeling better or worse, but it was a whirlwind.
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