Chemo #4--I beat the Red Devil

I had been feeling amazing the week before my last cycle of AC chemotherapy.  I wanted to get up in the morning and I wanted to go do things.  I made a trip to work to visit which was so much fun, I had lunch with Sam's grandparents and great aunt and Camden and Judi, I had a visitor (hey, Lisa!), and more visitors (hi Megan and Katie).  The week was good.  I could eat, I could get dressed, I could shower, I could sleep.  It was the most normal that I had felt in a really long time. 

Frankly, that was enough for me not to want to go to chemo.  Not that I ever want to go, but seriously, I felt good.  Let's just let it be.  But no.  I was reminded by many that I need to continue my fight and this was the last one of this kind.  I'm just so tired of being sick and tired. 

I cry a lot--like daily.  I wish every day I could have my smile and positive attitude show through, but it doesn't.  I cry because I feel like a bad mom; I'm so tired, I can't play or make dinner.  We read a lot of books and I bathe him, but aside from that I sit on the couch.  I cry because I feel like my husband deserves more.  There is no one in this world that deserves this "speed bump" only 3 years into their marriage.  I feel like my husband deserves a wife who cooks and cleans and wants to do activities.  I cry because I just didn't want this to be my life. 

Cancer is horrible.  I just want a life where I can make plan without having to wait to see how I feel, or where I don't have to be bald, or where I can shower without becoming exhausted.  I wish for a life where I'm not nauseated or dizzy and that I can eat the foods I love.  Cancer, I hate you. 

I know I have readers out there that are clinging to this blog for support and positive uplifts, but I have to be real.  The Red Devil that is adriamycin and cytoxan, frankly, sucks. 

Feeling great, I woke up the morning of chemo and got ready as usual.  I registered for classes because I WILL be going back to school this fall.  My friend Jill was taking me this time so Sam could save a few days of PTO at work.  We loaded up with out things to do and headed to chemo. 

Nothing great to report.  I still lost more weight, but kept my numbers where I need them to be.  I'm becoming more and more anemic which is typical.  But overall, I'm still healthy and fighting. 

The port has been making things easier, I still don't like it, but it's easier.  After waiting on a lab that took forever to come back my favorite nurse Caitlyn got me hooked up and I was given the red devil and sent on my way. 
 

 

taxol.  I'm thinking about getting her a gift, but I haven't found the perfect chemo graduate gift yet. 

 

I did ask the doctor, from a request from Sam, when we will do follow up scans.  His answer (Dr. T was out, so I saw someone else) was that I won't.  I am cancer free.  Right now everything we are doing is like a flu shot.  We will know if my "flu shot" works when my "flu season" is over, typically 5 years.  I don't feel like a survivor yet, I still consider myself a fighter.  I pray to God that one day my life isn't all about cancer, but rather about family, friends and love. 

 

To leave on a brighter note, I want to extend a thank you to everyone who continues to follow our journey.  I know your prayers are helping and we praise the Lord for the selfless giving we have received.  I promise, I'm working on thank you notes and they will come (better late than never, right?), but please know how grateful we are.  Truly, we could not do this without the support of our family, friends, and church.  You are all amazing.